It is raining hard outside. The weather has been acting like this since last week. Raining for like hours during afternoon and it makes me feel depressed.
Truly, these days I feel so restless and depressed. There are a lot of things bothering me lately, causing me to be uneasy and unstable. I feel so anxious about what future holds for me.
Here I go again, thinking of what's gonna happen for me in the next couple of years. I thought I'm done and over with this. I thought I survive to settle down this anxiety. But I was wrong. The nightmare is itching all over again.
Yet again, I am starting to ruminate about my goals in life. Before I came here in Malaysia, I didn't have concrete set of goals but of course I do have my own purpose or aspiration that's why I moved here. But I failed to make myself clear if I'm going to achieve them here or not.
My misery right now has something to do with career stability. I'm about to reach my 2nd year here in KL. As they say, time flies when you're having fun. Yes, I enjoyed and had fun during my 2-yr stay. I gained new friends but lost friends as well. I've had many good experiences and memories... and some bad accounts as well. I was able to go to places that I've never been to and have done little things that I long to do. But these are all personal realizations. None relates to my career. So what happened?
I know this is pretty usual for me to complain about my work. For more than a year, I was just doing lackluster tasks and I was dreary complaining to give me challenging tasks. And now that I have plenty on my plates, here I am crabbing again. I am always not contented; always not satisfied.
Don't get me wrong, I like my job. I've been doing this for like 6 years already at some point in time; I began to enjoy it more and more. But there's this something in my current company that hasn't given me enough satisfaction and fulfillment. Perhaps the management, perhaps the lack of process; I certainly don’t know... And because of this uncertainty, I'm starting to feel unhappy of my situation.
The monotony or lack of excitement in my career rebounds in my personal life. Yes, I had so much fun as I've said. Met many interesting people; individuals that helped me in one way or another, been to different places, embraced different cultures and traditions. Yet, there's still missing. I feel like I am less than a man. I am as far from being a man as I am from anything else. I feel like I do not grow, I do not develop, I feel like I became static.
One thing for sure, there's something wrong here within me. I better start figuring out before it's too late.
I told you, I am so lost right now...
Date Scribed: March 24, 2008 |
hang in there! *HUGS TIGHT*